It’s true that since my transplant I’ve discovered a new kind of peace. Of course I still get stressed, life gets chaotic, and at times I feel like a wild banshee (not that this is necessarily a bad thing), but still...something profound has shifted.
I know what shifted, but it is an answer that makes many people deeply uncomfortable. It completely breaks away from a script most of us have internalized.
My secret is that when I was really, truly sick and yellow, when I felt nauseous and in pain 24/7 and barely had the strength to stand up, I became friends with death.
I had been terrified of death my whole life. It was the root of my anxiety and panic attacks, the villain, the enemy...When I became gravely ill though, oblivion became the best part of my day. It was the only moment of peace and non-struggle in my existence.
I wanted to get a transplant and LIVE more than anything, but if that didn’t work out, death would be a deliverance. I came to see death could be merciful.
I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to die, but I have become friends with death. That, I believe, is one of the main reasons I can now be so full of life.